Syandra Ingram

With all of the emphasis on academic achievement, passing state tests, and preparing for college, it is possible that we are overlooking something even more important for our children's long-term success. In doing some research this summer, I discovered that there is a scientific basis for something we've all known, but perhaps haven't given enough thought to: hugs are good for us!

According to family therapist Kathleen Keating, author of Hug Therapy, we need four hugs a day for survival, eight hugs a day for maintenance, and twelve hugs a day for growth! Hugs produce a chemical change in the body by stimulating the release of endorphins in the brain. These endorphins give us a sense of well-being and happiness and can remain in the body's bloodstream for up to four hours. The physical and emotional connection that hugs provide meets our innate need for belonging and inclusion.

A hug or two in the morning is a great way to send your child to school. We know that children learn best when they are happy. Conversely, when they are angry, sad, or worried, learning is more difficult. As a school counselor, I often talk to children who come to school upset because they had an argument or got in trouble with a parent. Sometimes the child feels angry, misunderstood, or worried that the parent may not love her anymore. The last thing he heard before leaving the parent was, "You're grounded!" or "This isn't over; you just wait until you get home this afternoon!" Obviously, these children aren't in a mood for learning, and their academic performance suffers.

Having raised two boys, I can clearly remember the stress of trying to get everyone up, dressed, fed, and to school on time. Parents can become angry and frustrated, and when we do, we may say things that the child interprets or perceives as rejection. We may think we are saying, "I'm sick and tired of telling you to get dressed!" What the child may be hearing is that "I'm sick and tired of you!"

Obviously, discipline and boundaries are important to a child's healthy development and children need to know that there are limits to their behavior. It is also important, however, that the child knows that what we are rejecting is the behavior, not the child. According to research by Roy Baumeister, of Case Western Reserve University, "rejection can dramatically reduce a person's IQ and their ability to reason analytically, while increasing their aggression." Feeling excluded or rejected affects the individual's sense of worth and safety. Rejection also appears to interfere with a person's self-control, contributing to impulsivity and self-destruction.

As parents, we want to be in a place where we can relay the message to our children that they are unconditionally loved and accepted, even if their particular behaviors are not tolerated. But as we get caught up in our own feelings of anger or frustration, it's easy to lose that distinction. Sometimes the best way we can help our children with a behavior issue is to work on our own feelings about the problem.

For example, it may seem as though a child is deliberately trying to get on a parent's last nerve, as parents threaten and coerce just to get out of the house on time! This adds up to a very stressful morning for both parent and child, particularly if the parent has a job and feels under pressure about being late. It may be understandable that the parent is angry and frustrated. If the parent believes that the child is deliberately choosing not to get dressed (which is what it looks like), the parent may feel rejected by the child and turn to blaming. "You are going to make me late! I am going to lose my job because of you!" By the time the child gets to school and the parent gets to work, both are feeling angry and rejected, few or no hugs have been given, and neither can do their best.

EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) can make a difference for parents, as well as kids. Before tapping with the child about the issue, it is helpful for parents to do some tapping about their own feelings. For the particular example above, first, identify how angry and frustrated you are on a scale of 1 -- 10, with 10 being the most angry, then tap the Karate Chop point and begin.

While tapping the Karate-Chop point as shown, repeat the following phrase three times, modifying the initial part to fit the situation: "Even though I get angry and frustrated when ______ (insert your child's name) won't get dressed in the mornings, I deeply and completely love and accept myself, and I am a good parent."

Then tap through the tapping points as shown in the diagram while alternating phrases such as these at each point:

"Won't get dressed!"

"Makes us late."

"Makes me angry!"

"It's so frustrating!"

"He/she does it just to annoy me!"

"He/she enjoys driving me crazy!"

"It makes me so mad!"

"I'm so frustrated!"

If your stress level or anger is really high when you begin, continue to do the above round two or three times to discharge some of the negative energy you have about the issue. Remember, if any of the words don't seem quite right for you, insert your own. The idea is to express your feelings about the problem. The particular sequence and words are not as important as stating out loud "I deeply and completely accept myself for feeling what I'm feeling." This is a concept that many of us were not taught growing up. We serve our children well when we teach them that feelings are okay and that, rather than ignoring or denying our feelings, only by acknowledging them can we truly let them go.

After you have discharged some of the negative energy, try addressing how you feel and looking at the situation from another perspective. See where you are on the 1 - 10 scale and begin again.

Tap on the Karate-Chop point as shown, and repeat three times: "Even though I get very angry and frustrated when ________ (insert your child's name) won't get dressed, and it looks as if he/she is doing it on purpose, I'm still a good parent. What if he/she can't help it?"

Then tap through the tapping points as shown in the diagram while saying these phrases at each point:

"Won't get dressed!"

"Maybe he/she can't help it."

"Makes me angry!"

"What if he/she doesn't understand it either?"

"He/she does it just to annoy me!"

"What if I chose not to respond?"

"It still makes me so mad!"

"What if I chose to remain calm and peaceful no matter what?"

Once parents have removed the negative charge from their own emotions over the issue, then they are prepared to help their children. For a long-standing problem like the one above, it may take some "anticipatory tapping" the night before, as well as tapping during the morning routine. It may take some EFT tapping with the child, a change in morning routine, laying out clothes the night before, and/or other things to solve the problem of getting dressed. While the problem is being solved, though, EFT tapping can help the parents remain calm and in control; clearly communicating that what is being rejected is the behavior, not the child.

Perhaps one of the easiest (and hardest!) ways to help our children be successful this year is to send them to school with smiles and hugs, secure in the knowledge that they are loved, no matter what. That knowledge, along with the consistent use of EFT and hugs will probably even help on those issues of academic achievement, passing tests, and preparing for college!
 

About the Author:
Syandra Ingram, EFT-ADV, MS is a certified counselor, and EFT practitioner. She has been an educator for 25 years, and an elementary school counselor for the past 10. She lives in Pasadena, Texas. www.EmotionalHealingNow.com